Like Seasons, People Change Too...

"Seeing people change isn't what hurts.
What hurts is remembering who they used to be."

It is inevitable that in life everything is constantly changing. We are constantly adapting to new things. If everything were to be the same then we would never grow. However, it seems a lot of heartbreak and conflict arises when someone we know changes. It is almost universal, every one of us have had or have someone in our lives who changed or is changing and there is nothing we could have done or can do about it. We often get those quotes about how people shouldn't change for anyone but people do. People change when something happens to them or when something doesn't happen to them. As we grow we all change.

Sometimes, people don't change for the good. Sometimes they may become superficial and shallow. Sometimes they may become withdrawn and detached from everyone. It is hard to be left behind. It is difficult letting go of that person because they are no longer who you thought they were because they have changed into someone you don't even know. Unfortunately in life, we get those people that stay in our lives forever and those that don't. Certain people are in your life for a reason and sometimes when there is no longer a reason, they leave. It is so difficult mourning the friend you once had that perhaps you felt were even soul mates. But people change.

I learned a valuable thing that is helpful particularly in this situation. Mentalisation.
Mentalisation is a concept used by a therapist or counselor. The way to understand it is through this example; You get a mother and a baby and so when the baby cries, the mother responds. If they baby keeps on crying, the mother tries alternate methods to care for the babies needs. If the mother is frustrated then the baby gets frustrated. This is kind of like a therapy session where by a therapist needs to mentalise the clients situation and treat the clients needs. If the therapist is frustrated then they are unable to understand the clients situation.

The relevance of this is because when you are sad and upset about a friend or partner who has changed, you gotta mentalise and understand that there are certain things that have happened in their lives to have made them change. There are things that they are dealing with and trying to adapt to. When you are able to be neutral and isolate your feels of sadness and despair, you are able to understand that they changed because they are going through hard times themselves. It is important to realise too that people are not permanent and people walk in and out of our lives all the time. We all experience loss at some time or another but we need to learn from it. Everything does happen for a reason and sometimes these reasons are not clear. Certain people teach us certain things about life and about ourselves and that is the important thing to learn. We need to embrace loss and welcome new friendships and relationships so we can keep growing. Those that are meant to be in our lives will be and those who are not will walk their own different path.

Hope this post helps anyone dealing with this issue. Remember to mentalise! (:


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xoxo